The Tears I Never Cried

“There were times when I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t; I wanted to fight, but I shouldn’t; and I wanted to run, but I wouldn’t.”

So, I just kept going.

“And now, it all sits inside me, waiting to get out.”

 

This came from me last Sunday at church.

 

I’m a believer, though not much of a churchgoer. However, a good friend recommended Mosaic to me, saying it was a different kind of church.

 

And it is.

 

This is not a traditional Catholic church adorned with murals, statues, and religious paintings. Instead, it is situated in a renovated old amphitheater, where most of the staff are young, vibrant, positive, and energetic, all while faithfully preaching the Bible and its message.

 

What impressed me the most was the music.

 

Live music celebrating gratitude, love, and faith—songs that uplift the human spirit and inspire courage, strength, and resilience. Themes of humility and honesty are also embraced.

 

Quite moving.

 

Moving enough to bring tears to my eyes.

 

As I sat there, I realized something.

 

There is something inside me that is ready to come out.

 

It’s not anger. It’s not guilt. It’s not even sadness.

 

It is gratitude.

 

I am grateful for the spirit and strength that helped me endure all the moments in my life when I felt like crying.

 

There were many.

 

There were times when I wouldn’t even allow a tear to form in the corner of my eye.

 

So many times, I wanted to fight back, to hurt someone in return, to seek revenge.

 

But I did not.

 

Not because I couldn’t.

 

Because I shouldn’t.

 

And I want to cry for that.

 

Big, heavy tears.

 

I also thought about how many times I wanted to run.

 

Run toward what felt righteous and away from the responsibility for my own faults.

 

Many times.

 

And I wanted to cry for all of it.

 

I wanted to release some of the pressure that has been building inside this reservoir of understanding, acceptance, and self-validation.

 

I wanted to let some of it go.

 

And maybe, just this once, allow myself to be weak.

 

To follow rather than lead.

 

To relax.

 

To forget.

 

I was not very successful at that.

 

So, I’ll keep trying.

 

Perhaps I need more music.

 

Perhaps more hugs.

 

Perhaps just more time is needed.

 

You probably feel this way sometimes, too.

 

And if you do, know that somewhere out there, someone else is feeling the same way.

 

Keep going.

 

Keep searching for the moment when you can finally let some of it out.

 

Keep searching for the spirit that carried you through the moments when you thought you couldn’t go on.

 

It may be closer than you think.

 

Good luck!

 

And amen.