The unexpected lesson I learned about raising children by watching my aging parents.

The other day, I was explaining to my daughters that parenting is a skill we learn, in many ways, from our own parents.

I told them, “Look at how I treat my parents. I call them every day. When they visit, I fly them first class. My brother and I give them a monthly allowance, pay for their medical expenses, and help with anything else they need.” By the way, my parents live in Romania.

Technically, I should expect the same treatment from you someday—if not better. Needless to say, I won’t hold my breath.

Jokes aside, during my recent visit to Romania, I found myself reflecting on my relationship with my parents.

How much do we really have in common?

Not much.

Other than our shared history and memories from decades ago, there isn’t a lot that connects us on a day-to-day level. At this stage, the relationship has become somewhat of a one-way street. My brother and I are the ones who give back. We are the ones who ask meaningful questions. We are the ones who call almost every day. We are the ones who express our feelings and make the effort to stay connected.

During that visit, I caught myself asking:

How do I really feel about these two people who are now old?

What do we have in common?

Why do I stay in touch?

What am I getting out of this relationship?

And who am I doing it for?

Then I realized that the purpose of my relationship with my parents is twofold.

First, I want my children to see how I treat my parents and, hopefully, one day do the same for me.

Second, I want to observe how my parents connect—or fail to connect—with their adult children so I can learn what to do, and what not to do, when my own daughters become adults.

At one dinner, a friend of my parents said something that stuck with me:

“Kids don’t care much about their parents once they grow up. They leave the nest and hardly look back.”

I don’t think that’s entirely true.

I think there are often two reasons why adult children drift away from their parents.

The first is that parents stop connecting. They stop being curious. They stop asking meaningful questions.

“How are you really doing?”

“How are you feeling?”

“What’s going on in your life?”

As parents grow older, many also stop sharing themselves. They stop expressing their fears, hopes, and emotions as they move through the later chapters of life.

The second reason is that they stop giving.

When we were children, our parents were givers. They gave us their time, energy, attention, guidance, and love. Somewhere along the way, some parents stop giving and start expecting.

But curiosity is giving.

Interest in your adult children’s lives is giving.

Listening is giving.

Meaningful conversations are giving.

This visit taught me something important: if I want my daughters to want a relationship with me when they are adults, I need to continue being someone they enjoy being around. I need to stay curious, stay interested, stay connected, and keep giving.

I’m not suggesting that all parent-child relationships are the same. Every family has its own story, and sometimes distance is created by circumstances far more complex than what I’ve described here.

But for some families, adult children drift away not because they stop loving their parents, but because the connection slowly fades.

Relationships, even between parents and children, need to be nurtured.

And perhaps one of the greatest lessons parenting teaches us is that our children are always watching—not just how we treat them, but how we treat our own parents.